Posted on August 16 2016
Let me start with my first confession. I wrote this a month ago and I’ve been to afraid to post it. You see I’m a deeply personal and I’m an introvert. Living in the social media era has been both a blessing and a curse and I’m pushing myself beyond my comfort zone to share my journey in hopes that you’ll find some comfort in knowing you are not alone on yours.
My second confession is posts in the Confessions of a Sexy Girl series will break grammar rules. Mainly because I’m more focused on telling the story authentically versus being grammatically correct.. But also because it’s my damn story and I’m embracing living uncensored so I will not be bound by grammatical rules. Censorship ends here…
7/14/16 Today is my birthday. I turned 35 years old and I don’t feel a day over 25. At least not in my mind. My body…well that’s another story. I’m sore from working out and I’m hungry because I’m on a 21 day juice fast. No cake for me.
Last month I decided to really take control of my health. Prior to this I was only somewhat invested in my health. I ate healthy, limited my carbohydrates and processed foods and worked out a couple of times per week (not consistently) but I frequented the gym. However, June 1st I kicked things into high gear. I’m working out more consistently and eating much healthier and yes…I’m on a juice cleanse.
But today is my birthday and I’ve been working out consistently so bae got me an Apple watch and chocolate covered pineapples which I’ll have to eat later because of the juice cleanse. I’m excited to start using the watch but underneath the excitement I’m scared. I’m afraid that I’ll quit despite having tools to help me excel. I’m afraid that I’ll quit and he regret getting me the watch, see me as a failure, and be disappointed. More importantly, I’m afraid that I’ll disappoint myself by quitting. I’m also afraid that I’m out of excuses and have to commit to being healthy even when it gets so hard I want to quit. Crazy right.
My confession - I am AFRAID. The fear is consuming. I’m afraid I’ll quit but I’m also afraid because I know that I can’t quit. I’m afraid of everything. Most days I want to hide, pretend I’m invisible so I don’t have to face my fear. No matter what direction I walk in it is not without fear. When I have a good day and I work out and eat healthy before I go to sleep I start to fear the next day. I’m so consumed by the thought that tomorrow I may quit or I won’t do as well as I did yesterday. The only time I’m not afraid is when I’m actually doing something right like working out or eating healthy. However, once the workout is over or I’ve finished eating something healthy I begin fearing the next meal, workout, or the idea that I may not make it to the next healthy choice before I ruin it.
I call my fear the “fat girl inside”. Everyday I run from her. She is always a few steps behind me tempting me with chocolate chip cookies, fried fish, macaroni and cheese, and red velvet cake. She tells me I shouldn’t go to the gym today because I have too much work to do, I need to relax, or I need to do my hair (I do own a hair company you know). She says I’m not overweight I’m just plump and curvy. She also tells me me I’m going to always be curvy no matter what I do so I should just indulge in my bad habits and stop stressing. Life with her is easy I can eat whatever I want, sleep in late and go to they gym only to relax in the hot tub. She’s a liar and I’m going to run from her as long as I can. Everyday that I make a healthy decision I put a little more distance between us but the second I slow down she will be there waiting to embrace me in her fat ass arms. I hate her.
I love me. I’m going to get me sexy back. I’m going to loose weight, reclaim my health and show my body love by making healthy decisions. Today I will celebrate my birthday by teaching myself that I am strong, disciplined, and can last 21 days. I will celebrate my birthday as a rebirth a healthier, sexier version of myself. When I get off this juice cleanse, I will celebrate my birthday with a chocolate covered pineapple and I plan on savoring every single bite.
Lesson learned – Don’t let your fear of failure be stronger than your desire for change. Fear of failure is bigger than the failure itself. And it’s not really a failure if you refuse to quit. Change comes slowly. Overcoming fear and changing your mindset is a bigger challenge than changing your body. Reminds me of a Jay-Z song where he says, “Fear is your only God. To get you to fear me is my only job.”
P.S. –Going forward I’ll share my journey monthly and I would love for you to share your experiences in the comments. Also, the next entry wont be so long…promise.